Man, I can feel that everyday I’m being tested for my patience. Patience I lack or somehow lost somewhere along my 20 years of being alive. Who knows at this point. I think I’ve either become despondent or generally running on ‘I DON’T CARE’ attitude. Well, some uplifting news is that I’ve re-started doing my arts again and some writing in-between.
From the last few months and the problems that arose, I’ve been afraid to draw or put any thought and effort into it. Just mindlessly doing a flat character then add some fake happy-go-lucky description. The thoughts of never being good enough, failure in my crafts and that I’m honestly just a terrible person kept ringing in my ears everyday. My dear beloved mother didn’t help with it. She keeps bemoaning about the concern about my future while simultaneously insulting me. My repressed anger began to take a toll on me and I wonder if it’s okay to just punch my pillow once in a while.
But, I began to recently draw again. Most are designs for print on demand shops like Society6 and TeePublic. It was a way of just getting art out there and wanting to get a bit of cash. Still gotta make a sale though! 😛
I really like the stickers of my designs. Sadly, they do cost a pretty penny with the shipping especially. Other than that, it’s mostly scribbles, doodles. I’ve been focusing on writing to forget my problems.
Writing has been the love of my everyday life ever since I started to write fanfictions. I wanted to try and write after reading the Percy Jackson series, fell in love with Greek Myths and began to make my friends suffer by putting them in it. They did read all of my stories and enjoyed it. I was happy and I remember wanting to do it for a living.
It wasn’t until Grade 6 of elementary that I realized writing may not be a possible job career but I wanted to keep that option. I fell in love with Art when I wanted to get more audience with my stories. I saw visual means as a pretty outlook so I started to draw. Writing little prompts to big novels is like therapy to me. It keeps my creativity on the rise, lets my brain roll around for words to use and I can see my world better. It’s like playing a game but you’re God and must make everything happen through a simple means of thinking. I wanted to do writing based careers like Journalism but I didn’t want my articles to be opinion based and my writing wasn’t really…journalistic? I also didn’t want to go through a mountain of essays during my post-secondary years. Essays are evil…EVIL I TELL YOU!
Art and Writing go well hand-to-hand. Art lets me create a visual aspect of my world, make it a bit more real. Writing lets me put forward internalise feelings, aspects of life I cannot simply draw. I wanted to be in these fields as I grow because they make me happy and sane.
And also less prone to punching things or people. I manage to beat up a Dorito bag once. Turned the chips to crumbs. At least I used it for good and turned it into mozzarella cheese sticks!
I have…a lot of intrusive thoughts. Aggressive, usually about killing someone, thoughts. They tend to pop whenever someone annoys me or has hurt me. I guess I wanted my chosen careers to help me NOT act out. My anger has been the one constant thing in my life. It’s the most prominent. Whenever I get too furious though, I tend to repress it. I tend to cry because I can’t voice out my thoughts or lash out in defense. Anger for me is not necessarily physical, more emotional and verbal. Art and writing is a front I can paint my anger within. It helps.
Anyway, I’m just feeling so overwhelmed right now. How do you even tell your source of problems that THEY ARE THE SOURCE? They’ve convinced themselves they know you so well- what a lie. Make assumptions, create concerns but then insult the way you look and act. I never say anything anymore of what I do or what my plans are to my family because what’s the point? They only want to see the monetary gain so I’ll just spring up my ‘success’ to bitter cash made from trees.
Art and Writing- my lifeline.