Art, Writing and Feelings

Man, I can feel that everyday I’m being tested for my patience. Patience I lack or somehow lost somewhere along my 20 years of being alive. Who knows at this point. I think I’ve either become despondent or generally running on ‘I DON’T CARE’ attitude. Well, some uplifting news is that I’ve re-started doing my arts again and some writing in-between.

From the last few months and the problems that arose, I’ve been afraid to draw or put any thought and effort into it. Just mindlessly doing a flat character then add some fake happy-go-lucky description. The thoughts of never being good enough, failure in my crafts and that I’m honestly just a terrible person kept ringing in my ears everyday. My dear beloved mother didn’t help with it. She keeps bemoaning about the concern about my future while simultaneously insulting me. My repressed anger began to take a toll on me and I wonder if it’s okay to just punch my pillow once in a while.

But, I began to recently draw again. Most are designs for print on demand shops like Society6 and TeePublic. It was a way of just getting art out there and wanting to get a bit of cash. Still gotta make a sale though! 😛

I really like the stickers of my designs. Sadly, they do cost a pretty penny with the shipping especially. Other than that, it’s mostly scribbles, doodles. I’ve been focusing on writing to forget my problems.

Writing has been the love of my everyday life ever since I started to write fanfictions. I wanted to try and write after reading the Percy Jackson series, fell in love with Greek Myths and began to make my friends suffer by putting them in it. They did read all of my stories and enjoyed it. I was happy and I remember wanting to do it for a living.

It wasn’t until Grade 6 of elementary that I realized writing may not be a possible job career but I wanted to keep that option. I fell in love with Art when I wanted to get more audience with my stories. I saw visual means as a pretty outlook so I started to draw. Writing little prompts to big novels is like therapy to me. It keeps my creativity on the rise, lets my brain roll around for words to use and I can see my world better. It’s like playing a game but you’re God and must make everything happen through a simple means of thinking. I wanted to do writing based careers like Journalism but I didn’t want my articles to be opinion based and my writing wasn’t really…journalistic? I also didn’t want to go through a mountain of essays during my post-secondary years. Essays are evil…EVIL I TELL YOU!

Art and Writing go well hand-to-hand. Art lets me create a visual aspect of my world, make it a bit more real. Writing lets me put forward internalise feelings, aspects of life I cannot simply draw. I wanted to be in these fields as I grow because they make me happy and sane.

And also less prone to punching things or people. I manage to beat up a Dorito bag once. Turned the chips to crumbs. At least I used it for good and turned it into mozzarella cheese sticks!

I have…a lot of intrusive thoughts. Aggressive, usually about killing someone, thoughts. They tend to pop whenever someone annoys me or has hurt me. I guess I wanted my chosen careers to help me NOT act out. My anger has been the one constant thing in my life. It’s the most prominent. Whenever I get too furious though, I tend to repress it. I tend to cry because I can’t voice out my thoughts or lash out in defense. Anger for me is not necessarily physical, more emotional and verbal. Art and writing is a front I can paint my anger within. It helps.

Anyway, I’m just feeling so overwhelmed right now. How do you even tell your source of problems that THEY ARE THE SOURCE? They’ve convinced themselves they know you so well- what a lie. Make assumptions, create concerns but then insult the way you look and act. I never say anything anymore of what I do or what my plans are to my family because what’s the point? They only want to see the monetary gain so I’ll just spring up my ‘success’ to bitter cash made from trees.

Art and Writing- my lifeline.


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What A Week

Haven’t posted for a while here. Lots of good and bad has happened and I think life has a vendetta against me.

I’m moving schools (the feeling of intruding, not belonging has never been so strong. I’ve also come to realize how much instrusive thoughts I’ve had about the program..not good. I also hate the stares. It gets on my skin.), worried about the change and how it’ll affect my OSAP. I had to tend grind my teeth together, keep my fists af the side before I do something stupid because my lovable mother decided to hate the college I wanted to transfer. Granted, her points regarding the move especially this late in the semester were valid. It was the hate that got myself snarling internally. I try to be peaceful and not hate but it’s hard to repress anger sometimes. You’ve been doing it for so long that the bottles become too full. 

Bleh! It’s over and passed now with a compromise and a threat (sort of?)! I’ve decided to fight for it even if it means taking a bit of extreme measures. She basically told me if I don’t get my butt moving the way she wants, we’ll just go home back to my birth country but I have nothing there and rather die than be stuck in a place I have no friends nor sense of belonging than being born! 🙂 I said I’ll fight to stay where I am currently, so I shall.

Anyway, passed that wreckage week! I watched the new Beauty and the Beast. I thought it was good from what little I can remember from the animated film. It stayed in the path mostly with a bit of add on but it was pleasant! Even though we were late for the VIP food thingy because I got sidetracked​…

After the movie, my friend and I were suppose to eat at the lounge but then the fire alarm started beeping. 

And then an announcement went on and we had to get out. People were confused, slow- my friend was like a damn cat that slinked away through small cracks. I had to cut off rudely some of the slow walkers. 

We ended up getting Pickle Barrel instead. It was so good though! I had the Spaghetti and Meatballs with two cups of coffee and a Tiramisu for dessert. It wasn’t extraordinary but it wasn’t bad for $23. Menu was bigger than I’d expect. I really like the free refills though! My heart may beg to differ with the amount of sugar I’ve pumped in my blood.

So far, this week has been a balance of trying not to kill anyone and wondering what exactly I’m doing. It’s like a crumbling cliff I’m standing on but I have a parachute that may or may not work. In the end, I just gotta have a bit of faith in myself and go out there to get whatever is necessary. Jobs, new homes, new names if everything goes to hell because I am prepared to change my name legally and hopefully, a new school at Fall! 👍

Life has been throwing me daggers relentlessly. Most of it was provoked by me though. Guess I can pay the price or see to it that I deflect said pointy, painful daggers. 

We shall see who wins, Life. I ain’t about to give up mine.

What About Tomorrow?

Whenever I think about the future, I never know what plans or goals I should have for the long run. 

I know what I want vaguely but there are times when I question myself and the road I’m taking. My family would scold me for it if they knew. Why take this road if you’re unsure of success for your future? I guess I see my future as undetermined. As much planning and goals I create, there isn’t much I can to prepare my own selfish road.

What I want, what they want are different things. I want to live my life, a life that I want regardless of the hardships of the small fortune it might bring. I know the world isn’t as nice nor as soft.

But hey, I get only one chance in life. I’m not going to screw it uo by choosing a path I’ll hate. That is my greatest fear; waking up hating the work that you do. I want to experience what life is. To love another, to share laughter and sorrows.

Maybe I do know what I really want and perhaps they won’t approve of it.

Some things in life are worth fighting for. It takes an anime for me to get slapped with that reality. 

Somewhere along the line, I lost the will to fight. I’ve been struggling with my battles, so close to just giving up. Then I remember the desire, the wanting in my life.

I’m going to fight again but this time, I will dance with the enemy.